Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

I came on tonight ready to delete my account. I'm not finding the time or inspiration lately to keep this blog going.I have other ideas for blogs and am ready to attempt them. Blogs that might get a bigger audience. Blogs that I may be able to reveal my true identity without fear of getting my ass kicked. So I came here ready. I went to the delete page, I hovered my finger over the delete all content button, and then, I froze. Delete all content? What about everything I wrote? What if I need that someday? What if my dead end daily grind existence one day has a chance of taking a new turn and I can truly become a writer? Wouldn't I need these few, little viewed articles for my portfolio? Doesn't some evidence of Tammy need to remain in existence? These entries suddenly began to feel like fledglings I couldn't allow to fly from the nest. And suddenly here I am, the Internet blogger version of a hoarder. I think perhaps I'll hold on until I can print these out, or someone discovers them, or I suddenly am inspired and understand exactly who I want to be over here. Until then I bid you adieu.

SNE (Social Network Etiquette)

As I was driving to work today I heard on the radio that a popular, limitedly talented, recording "artist" classlessly tweeted a picture of herself urinating on the street. I started to think about how so many people, famous and not, seem to forget that social network sites are public domain and often cross the line when it comes to what they put out there for all of their internet friends to see. I began to wonder what Miss Manners would think about this phenomenon. One of the areas we are lacking in these modern times are in our manners. Good old fashioned etiquette has gone the way of poodle skirt. What better way to bring it back than marry it with the most modern of phenomenons? Social Network Etiquette... 1. Don't respond to other people's posts in all caps. It suggests screaming. 2. Don't put passive/aggressive status updates on your wall. Address the person you are angry at privately. Anonymous hints that you are mad at someone may make some of your innocent friends wonder if they could be who you are talking about. 3. Don't mention something you are super excited, upset, nervous, etc about and then tell people who ask that you can't tell why. It comes across as attention seeking and annoying. 4. Don't "Like" your own posts, it's narcissistic. 5. Don't talk negatively about your job, co workers, or boss unless you want to get fired. 6. Don't check other people into places without their knowledge, you may unwittingly be outting them to a partner or boss who thinks they are somewhere else. 7. Don't publicize the personal habits of yourself or your spouse. It may seem funny, but it is embarrassing for him/her and anyone who reads it and then sees either of you after. 8. Don't talk about your sex life. Noone really wants to know. 9. Don't post nude pictures of your kids, if they are lucky enough to escape the risk of your garden variety internet pervert finding them, you will still have to deal with the fallout when your child is old enough to find out about it. 10. If you have a party and know you may be leaving out someone who might be offended don't discuss it on your wall. If you have been a guest at a party and want to thank the host do it in a private message, or you may be revealing to uninvited others about the event unknowingly. Ladies and gentlemen, this is just the tip of the iceberg. What SNEs would you add to the list?

An Open Letter to Stay At Home Moms

In light of the Ann Romney/Hilary Rosen debate, I want to help all women, mothers, non-mothers, working and staying at home, a chance to understand why this is such a touchy subject, especially from my side of the issue. Dear SAHM, Let me begin by saying that my passion, if it comes across as angry or defensive, is truly nothing but jealousy wearing an even uglier disguise. For, although I often feel a large percent of you paint my kind as selfish career loving women who would rather have nannies and daycare raise their inconvenient bundles of non income related responsibility, my ultimate goal is to be one of you. I feel you do have it easier, even though being home with young children is challenging, and "a 24 hour job" with no vacations or time off. Before you get all huffy let me try to explain. Since we are all extremely busy I will explain this in the shortest and most direct way possible, a list entitled: Why It's Doubly Hard to Be a Working (out of the home) Mother 1. Don't kid yourself, we are full time workers AND full time moms. Just because the work clock is ticking doesn't mean we aren't thinking, worrying, and checking in on our kids. 2. Our jobs are 24 hours too, actually we do 48 hours worth of work in 24. Once our work day is over the majority of us, who can't afford cleaning services and takeout, have a new work day that is just beginning. We have to do everything you do around the house in a fraction of the time. 3. We are also up in the middle of the night and exhausted the next day. The only difference is we HAVE to get dressed, and out the door without the luxury of sipping coffee until the end of the Today Show. 4. We don't get vacations either. When our out of home jobs are on a break we are you. Weekends, we get less time to play because we are catching up on all the cleaning, errands, and cooking that you got to do all week long, usually at the sacrifice of spending time with our kids. 5. We have guilt. Lots of guilt. Guilt about not being there, guilt about being tired when we are there, guilt that our sick children are left with the babysitter because we can't miss a day of work for fear of losing our jobs, guilt that we didn't see their first step, guilt that our children aren't learning as fast as their SAHM advantaged peers. 6. We have fear. Fear of asking our bosses to leave early again for a pediatrician appointment, fear that our childless co workers hate us because we always seem to need more leeway in our schedules, fear that our husbands will leave us for someone who keeps a cleaner house and has meals on the table, fear our children will resent us for not being there when they were young. 7. We have child care anxiety. We fret over the cost and the quality. Some of us only have one person to rely on due to the overwhelming cost of daycare and when that person calls in sick it throws our entire morning into a panic (back to fear again). 8. We have you beating us down. I've heard horrible statements about how career moms should stay home and raise "proper" children. That our jobs are at the expense of our families. That if we learned to clip coupons and live without luxuries we could be home with our children. 9. Many of us don't have a choice. So many families today could not afford the basics of food, fuel, and shelter without the earnings we provide. Many of us are the breadwinners and or insurance providers. Many of us would be you if we could and if we didn't chose to be you, if we were lucky enough to have that choice, then that is ok too. So please, the next time you are feeling unfulfilled instead of attacking us and making us feel like crap when we already feel like crap and are simply doing what is best for OUR families, take a look inside yourself. Why must you try to prove your worth by tearing us down and implying that we aren't full time moms? Why must you be in this contest of who has it tougher and what your monetary value would be if you got paid? I told you I'm jealous of you, I realize that and if given the opportunity I will stay home with my kids. If you are so unhappy on the flip side, however, go look into getting yourself out there working. It may be what is best for you. Perhaps Hilary Rosen should have said Ann Romney never worked for someone else because it is ALL work, however, believe me, when you have a job to answer to on top of your family, it's no cakewalk, more like a high wire above a crocodile tank. Sincerely, Tammy

I'm THAT Woman

I know I had tweeted I would blog about the toll a multiples pregnancy took on my body, but I'm going to save that, because today I came to a more urgent epiphany. I went to see a friend of mine for lunch. It was the first time I was meeting her 3 month old. Like many newborns he was quiet and sleepy as he calmly rested in his infant seat while my friend leisurely ate and chatted with me. Ahhh, I remember those days. Today I realized just how far my babies have come. No longer are they the tiny quiet infants they once were, oh no, they have grown. Yes, they are cute, yes, I love them, yes they are good boys, but are they, or any other toddler for that matter, suited for eating in a restaurant? My one son was pretty good, sans for trying to dismantle a curtain hung behind him, his brother, however, had me desperately wanting to hide under the table. My baby B, as he was dubbed in ultrasound pictures and at the hospital, wanted nothing to do with the experience. He flailed and fussed in the high chair, he spit food all over the floor, he screamed and carried on. I was apologetic and extremely mortified, thinking of all the times my pre parent husband and self used to sit in public and mutter under our breath about spoiled noisy children. Was this my payback for my prior judgmental ways? As we were leaving and I packed my children into their stroller, leaving behind a veritable crime scene of the gastronomical kind, I felt defeated by my own ignorance. Welcome toddler hood, so long world, as we will be forced to hide for at least the next two years, I presume. It's that or be the spectacle everywhere we go, you know, the one you tell the hostess, "Please don't seat us over there..." as you point in the direction of me and my adorable ill behaved spawn. Yes, I admit it, I have become THAT woman.

The Princess Cake

Recently a "friend" of mine posted Facebook pictures of his son's birthday cake. The cake was beautiful, pink with flowers and a crown. It was a cake fit for a princess, however, not a prince. I watched the comments start rolling in, most of which seemed confused or uncomfortable. The father explanined that his son wanted a "princess cake." I like to consider myself very liberal and open minded, yet, I began to wonder what I would do if one of my boys wanted a princess cake. I found myself quite uncomfortable with the idea. I started debating in my head what would be the best parenting strategy. Did my friend do the right thing or was he encouraging his child to be gender confused? Was it responsible to get the boy a cake that might make his friends tease him? Would the kids even notice anyway or would they just be consumed with the concept of eating cake? Recently a book was published by a mother whose son likes to wear dresses and nail polish. "My Princess Boy" was written to break down the stereotypes and traditional roles we impose on our children. It's a book about letting a child be him or herself despite what society thinks and feels. I was still uncomfortable both with the subject and my reaction to the subject. I decided to broach the topic with a good and very intelligent friend of mine over dinner one night. We debated back and forth. She felt there was no harm in allowing a boy to be "girlie," pointing out that there is little stigma attached to little girls who behave like "Tomboys." She feels it's a parents role to keep a child happy and comfortable in his/her own skin whether that means that skin is in a skirt or riding a scooter. I agreed, but also pointed out that it's also a parents' responsibility to protect a child from a world that can often be too cruel and unforgiving. "If the world is going to be cruel, let them be. Don't let the child remember that mom and dad were cruel too. " With that my friend won the debate. If my child wants something that will make him happy, so long as he is not hurting anybody, it is my duty to see to that happiness. I would be lying, however, if I denied that I do silently cheer at the fact that my boys' favorite toys are their cars and trucks. I am, after all, a product of a very clearly defined era of gender roles. My boys' generation will most likely not even notice.

It's not Work When You Love It

When discussing my desire to be a stay at home mom I often get "You will go crazy" or "You will be bored.". These comments perplex me. For one, how does anyone else on earth know how I would feel, and two, how could you not want to spend time with your children? Perhaps it's an issue of calling. Everybody has a calling, whether they have found it or not. It can range from being a CEO to a surf bum, but we all have something that could make us happy to do day in and day out. I have floundered for years not knowing what my calling was. I think I have truly found it, and, much to the luck of my offspring, it's motherhood. Things that we truly love to do and excel at don't have limits. When you love doing something you can and will do it despite lack of energy, resources, and patience. The past two days my husband has been terribly sick with a disgusting (at least it sounds that way when he slams the bathroom door and pukes his lungs up) stomach bug. I have been left to my own devices with the kids. That has meant baths, and diapers, and dinners, playtime, cleanup from playtime, and putting them to bed all on my own (did I mention I still put in a full day of work and a commute at my day job?) I didn't think I had it in me to do this. I thought I would be too tired, but I have not only energetically, but happily jumped into my temporary role as a single parent with ease. I was so proud of myself at dinner time, with one hand feeding myself a salad and the other spooning soup to my boys who waited open mouthed like hungry little birds. Tonight I feel like a superhero, or should I say a mom because isn't that what we all do? We all jump in with two feet and without second thought when it comes to what is best for our families, and I am so blessed to completely and totally enjoy it too!

Nervous Nanny

By far the most challenging aspect of being a working mother, at least for me, is finding, and keeping the right child care. When my twins were in utero we started looking for appropriate places to leave them during the work day. Neither of us had the luxury of parents available to watch them for free so we reluctantly began the process of visiting potential daycare facilities and providers. What a disappointing venture that was. Other peoples' homes terrified me. From large unanchored mirrors screaming "fall on my child" to one woman who didn't know she could no longer put a baby in a drop side crib, each home was a plethora of one potential hazard after another. On the flip side any place we fell in love with cost the equivalent of a monthly mortgage payment. I ended up taking a longer leave of absence than I originally planned so I put the daycare hunt on hold and started looking again when my kids were 5 months old. We decided that, although daycare facilities would be great, we just couldn't afford it. I ended up placing ads on Internet nanny/ babysitting sites. After a couple of not so stellar applicants we found our winner. Months later we still have our care giver and she adores our children, however the pitfalls of relying on one person are many. We have become subject to her schedule and constant need to leave early or show up late. Luckily I have a good friend who is between jobs and always available to fill in, but sadly I don't know how much longer our current babysitter is going to last. My husband is interviewing for more and jobs and something is bound to come through soon, which will take away the flexibility he currently has (I have no flexibility at all). I may be on the hunt again, and paying a second mortgage after all.