An Open Letter to Stay At Home Moms

In light of the Ann Romney/Hilary Rosen debate, I want to help all women, mothers, non-mothers, working and staying at home, a chance to understand why this is such a touchy subject, especially from my side of the issue. Dear SAHM, Let me begin by saying that my passion, if it comes across as angry or defensive, is truly nothing but jealousy wearing an even uglier disguise. For, although I often feel a large percent of you paint my kind as selfish career loving women who would rather have nannies and daycare raise their inconvenient bundles of non income related responsibility, my ultimate goal is to be one of you. I feel you do have it easier, even though being home with young children is challenging, and "a 24 hour job" with no vacations or time off. Before you get all huffy let me try to explain. Since we are all extremely busy I will explain this in the shortest and most direct way possible, a list entitled: Why It's Doubly Hard to Be a Working (out of the home) Mother 1. Don't kid yourself, we are full time workers AND full time moms. Just because the work clock is ticking doesn't mean we aren't thinking, worrying, and checking in on our kids. 2. Our jobs are 24 hours too, actually we do 48 hours worth of work in 24. Once our work day is over the majority of us, who can't afford cleaning services and takeout, have a new work day that is just beginning. We have to do everything you do around the house in a fraction of the time. 3. We are also up in the middle of the night and exhausted the next day. The only difference is we HAVE to get dressed, and out the door without the luxury of sipping coffee until the end of the Today Show. 4. We don't get vacations either. When our out of home jobs are on a break we are you. Weekends, we get less time to play because we are catching up on all the cleaning, errands, and cooking that you got to do all week long, usually at the sacrifice of spending time with our kids. 5. We have guilt. Lots of guilt. Guilt about not being there, guilt about being tired when we are there, guilt that our sick children are left with the babysitter because we can't miss a day of work for fear of losing our jobs, guilt that we didn't see their first step, guilt that our children aren't learning as fast as their SAHM advantaged peers. 6. We have fear. Fear of asking our bosses to leave early again for a pediatrician appointment, fear that our childless co workers hate us because we always seem to need more leeway in our schedules, fear that our husbands will leave us for someone who keeps a cleaner house and has meals on the table, fear our children will resent us for not being there when they were young. 7. We have child care anxiety. We fret over the cost and the quality. Some of us only have one person to rely on due to the overwhelming cost of daycare and when that person calls in sick it throws our entire morning into a panic (back to fear again). 8. We have you beating us down. I've heard horrible statements about how career moms should stay home and raise "proper" children. That our jobs are at the expense of our families. That if we learned to clip coupons and live without luxuries we could be home with our children. 9. Many of us don't have a choice. So many families today could not afford the basics of food, fuel, and shelter without the earnings we provide. Many of us are the breadwinners and or insurance providers. Many of us would be you if we could and if we didn't chose to be you, if we were lucky enough to have that choice, then that is ok too. So please, the next time you are feeling unfulfilled instead of attacking us and making us feel like crap when we already feel like crap and are simply doing what is best for OUR families, take a look inside yourself. Why must you try to prove your worth by tearing us down and implying that we aren't full time moms? Why must you be in this contest of who has it tougher and what your monetary value would be if you got paid? I told you I'm jealous of you, I realize that and if given the opportunity I will stay home with my kids. If you are so unhappy on the flip side, however, go look into getting yourself out there working. It may be what is best for you. Perhaps Hilary Rosen should have said Ann Romney never worked for someone else because it is ALL work, however, believe me, when you have a job to answer to on top of your family, it's no cakewalk, more like a high wire above a crocodile tank. Sincerely, Tammy